Thursday 25 July 2013

Up in the clouds

I have been playing Zach Sobiech's Clouds on repeat over the past weeks. And crying... a lot... mostly alone... 

I am struggling so much... 

Struggling to be the kindest daughter to my terminally ill mum who longs to come home, but trusts that only the hospital can help her...
Struggling to be the most supportive daughter to my helpless dad who feels completely lost without his wife being around...
Struggling to be the most understanding sister, to not judge how my brothers and sisters are dealing with their emotions...
Struggling to be the most loving mummy to my little ones who have found themselves abroad, away from their daddy, away from their home and surrounded by intensive sad emotions...

Mr A partially oblivious demands: 'Mummy, can you play the cloud song again?' Of course sweetheart, and perhaps we should talk about your grandma too...

Saturday 20 July 2013

Touching moments


'This is the beginning of an end!' After weeks, these heavy words are still echoing in my confused head and I can still see the oncologist's expressionless face: 'There is nothing else we can do for your mother. Make sure she is comfortable and pain free.'

It feels like this is my mum's last visit at home... She want's to go back to hospital.  I am sitting in my parent's garden, paralysed, holding back tears, repeating to myself: 'You need to be strong! You need to be strong!'. My worst fears that I have been dealing with since I came to Slovenia came true. 

My mum is sitting on the bench, so weak, so skinny, so ill, so faded. Then Miss R crawls over to her and my mum helps her with the last of her strength to stand up. Miss R clings onto my mum's hand and gives her a big smile. Such a pure, precious moment that I will always treasure...